“In nature, nothing transforms without breaking first. Flowers can’t bloom until they’re deeply, wholly rooted. Seasons can’t turn until the cold has come and killed off the remnants of the past. Butterflies don’t spread their wings before being cocooned in isolation for weeks, stars don’t become supernovas before facing their own implosion…”
You know, sometimes I wonder….am I this person? This happy wanderer? This lonesome adventurer? One who possesses the ability to just turn off and be free in the moment?
I mean, yes, obviously I’m here and I’ve done this a time or two before, fleeing on a whim to one foreign place or another, but there is another side to an [honest] answer of this question, being a less obvious, “no.” Not always.
There have been many days up until now where at some point I ask myself, what am I doing here? Why did I need to leave everything and everyone I know behind to seek off on this amazing but self-serving and often incredibly lonely adventure?
I think the bigger question I wonder is, am I stuck always seeking something more? Can I even define “more” for myself? In some ways, yes I think I can, but can I actualize it in a way that allows for me to sustain it?
And herein lies the glaring irony because, is this not exactly the point? To have removed myself from every comfort in such a way to expose these thoughts and introspective lines of questioning? I don’t actually know yet, but either way, here I am.
In leaving all the hustle of the bustle behind, I find myself drawn to simpler ways. The contentedness in certain places, of who you are or where you’re at. No judgment, no comparison, no dismissal of achievements in lieu of some other potential. Of simply knowing you’re on a path that is forward moving. I have found that here, in a way, but not in a way I can sustain. I can’t (or can I?) travel forever like this, so that’s the piece it seems I can’t reconcile within myself; the “what next?” And though I don’t have any regrets, I do often wonder.
I wonder if it’s possible to find what I am ever searching for. To find peace and simplicity alongside ambition. To stay humble while simultaneously maintaining a grasp on something bigger, something deeper.
This conflict – it haunts me. It haunts every decision and choice I make. That god forsaken reel that plays out over and over in my mind, “what could have been…” will always ignite burning questions that singe me from so many circumstances of days gone by.
This is what I’m actively trying to avoid repeating, but maybe that’s the problem. Maybe I really do just need to let it be.
Easier said than done.
I was recently reading a book that used the term asynchronous communication, and it perfectly describes a concept that has never been so true for me, living half way around the world, connecting in fragments, through apps and social mediums, in wildly different time zones. It’s hard, at times, to be the one to leave it all behind and live up to the expectation that you’re the illustrious one, capable of great things, grand adventure. And although I believe I am, and I truly do love it, it’s not without wary or without a certain irresolution I don’t think I can explain.
So that being said, I’ll leave you with the ending to this most beautiful quote I opened with, that was sent to me by the most beautiful friend. So often what I can’t articulate, I find it in others who can:
“…The truth is that you will blossom in the moments you are most convinced you are failing and falling behind. The truth is that it won’t be easy, but you’ll get to the other side and realize that all along, there was a reason, there was a rhythm, there was a plan, there was a destination. You were becoming, even if you didn’t know it at the time.”