I have an actual confession to make.
There has been a massive, pervasive part of this journey so far that I have actively omitted from sharing. I have been posting, projecting and pretending that for the most part, everything is great. It’s beautiful, it’s warm, it’s sunny and “amazing.” And though all of those things are true, my experience of it hasn’t necessarily been that way.
I have been struggling. With my thoughts, my anxieties, my fears. They are so common for me that I have become expertly skilled at hiding them. I can hide them, usually with ease, from even those who know me most, and definitely from those who know me a little, even if they’re standing right in front of me.
What I’m here to share (don’t worry, it gets better) is that something has shifted. It happened yesterday (not actually yesterday from when I post this, but yesterday from when I write it), and somehow, so many things make sense now.
In exploring my intentions with myself, I came to the realization that I’d been wasting my time up until this point. I was going through the motions, but allowing my anxieties and the way I experience depression get the best me. It was running the show. It was stopping me from doing what I actually wanted, how I actually wanted to do it. People kept telling me I was living the dream, and I would twinge every time I heard it because I knew within me that I wasn’t actually living it, I was simply taking the steps, but not connecting to the process.
The whole purpose of this journey for me was to come away from how I have been, and move into how I want to be. So, this re-framed way of thinking was the pivotal turning point I needed.
It was spurred by a movie I watched called Heal as it highlighted (and low-lighted) many things about my frame of mind that I noticed needed to be addressed or redressed.
I would recommend (and have recommended to basically all of my friends so far) to watch it. Take the teachings that speak to you, and critically consider the rest as, like any point of view, there was much that resonated with me, but some undertones that didn’t. That being said it was massively powerful so I hope you can find a similar takeaway because the thing is, and I know I’m not alone in facing this, I have a course of healing I need to undertake of my own.
One that has been faced but not focused. Acknowledged but not fully explored. Known but not recognized. It has ruled my life. It has ruined relationships. At times I still believe it is pervasive enough to prove further damage. Part of my reasoning for quitting my job, selling my belongings and moving across the world was to face this. But when I got here, I didn’t face it, I fell into it harder and inevitably felt worse because of that. I realized, quickly, that my arsenal of tools for coping was not as well stocked as I thought it was. And definitely not as well stocked as I projected it to be.
So now, it sounds silly or menial, but now I watch this doc, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that the actions are not enough. Being here is not enough. Doing – that’s what’s been lacking. I need to do something more than I’ve done in order to fully validate and actualize the potential I am faced with by being here. Here in this place where I don’t have a full-time job responsibility, I don’t have any obligations to anyone, and my actual purpose is to be self-serving, or what I’ll call self-searching. To take time to recognize my fears and then work through them. And, of course, to let people in (ahem, thanks for being here).
I can be better than I am. I can do better than I’ve done. So I’ll start now. I’m excited for the rest of this journey in a different way. To focus on it differently, and to let any of you who wish to continue to follow along be exposed to this next chapter with a commitment to honesty and vulnerability but mostly, to fun! I think I’ll go ahead and start with that.